I was diagnosed with my first Panic Attack in June 2006, the day I came home from having a discectomy (back surgery to correct a badly herniated disc.) I spent many years disbelieving that I was experiencing “just panic attacks,” because my symptoms were so physical and so real…waking up in the middle of the night unable to breathe right, with tingling in my hands, pressure in my chest, and a heart rate so rapid you’d think I was being chased by a tiger. I had a lot of these. I saw cardiologists, passed stress tests with flying colors, and still didn’t believe that essentially my mind could create what I was feeling.
A PA doctor convinced me that I was experiencing Panic by explaining that I was just a few deep breaths away from an attack. He said he noticed I was taking big, sighing breaths, and that was getting my oxygen/carbon dioxide off balance, which led to other chemical imbalances and then…Panic. He made me take 10 deep breaths in his office, and then I had a panic attack right in front of him. I went on Lexapro, gained weight, and kept having them. It’s foggy now, but I think I was also taking pain medication from the back thing longer than was really necessary, and mixing that with drinking alcohol to get through my stressful television career. The attacks morphed into a full blown Disorder, when I became afraid to leave the house for fear of another attack. My physical and mental health ebbed and flowed – I got better for a while, then worse, then better.
Finally in 2010, I started seeing Dr. Chuck Pollard, a clinical psychologist in the Boston area specializing in anxiety disorders and practicing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. His first question to me was, “how much are you exercising?” From there, we made great headway, addressing the BALANCE I needed to achieve with exercise, getting good sleep, eating right, and not drinking any caffeine or alcohol. Physical and mental health are greatly tied together. He explained what Panic really is, a leftover from our caveman days – the ‘fight or flight syndrome’ – where our mind convinces us that we need to fight or run away when there really isn’t anything to actually run from, and our body goes into full on panic mode. In order to beat this bitch, I needed to attain physical health while teaching myself how to recognize anxious thoughts and stop them from becoming panic attacks. I spent and still spend a lot of my time doing “self talk” where I’m constantly interpreting the things around me and forcing myself not to freak out about this or that, trying to keep things rational.
I learned that while I may not be able to control what happens, I can control how I react to it. Rather than let a stressful event or physical symptom metastasize into panic, I learned to look at Panic as a separate entity from myself, and not let it win out. I can take belly breaths, letting my breath travel from deep in my belly to my chest and into my head…and flow out evenly and calmly. What was I even worrying about? I start to forget. Yoga and Pilates really help. I do progressive muscle relaxation on a regular basis – where you clench and unclench various muscle groups in your body while laying down, breathing slowly and evenly and letting everything relaaxxxx.
I quit alcohol ( I still have a beer now and again) stopped caffeine (I do a lot of herbal teas) and started exercising very regularly, walking and doing light yoga as my back would allow. Throw a bit of orienteering into the mix and we’re getting somewhere. (It’s a great exercise for my mind as well, not just because it’s a mental game to navigate, but because being alone in the woods is another anxiety hurdle.) Everything I’ve done over the past few years, everything I’ve changed about myself, has been to get rid of panic. A wonderful side effect has been weight loss. Gradually my thoughts have become less and less anxious, and more normal and free. I haven’t had any Panic since October 2011. Knock on wood. I’m going to keep fighting to stay healthy.
A hearty thanks to my dear friends and family for helping me through the tough times. I know it hasn’t been easy.
I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experience behind him. — Eleanor Roosevelt
anniemac attack: in the woods 